little bit of insanity

one needs a little insanity to be a genius. yesterday we discovered we do not qualify.

cyclical life and such

It is back to the routine. I successfully broke the rhythm for 3 glorious days. Now it is back to routine. Live before.

I guess there is no such thing as dreaming for myself. There is no such thing as me. Am part of some whole. Either work or family, there is no place that says there is me.

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No Smoking!

The film I like. The concept I do love, but then why did it have to be the director's personal take on so many thing!!! (what the fuck! Why am I saying this, after all when the script was written the first time, the movie was enacted in Kashyap's mind and there on it was his version. Each time someone saw it was reinterpreted)

To watch this movie you need to shut yourself up from everyone. It is a very personal film. Smoking is just a metaphor. It could be pot, hash, porn, women, money anything. You get addicted and play games with yourself. You go down down down down into the depths of wallow. So when K goes down into the depth of Mumbai he actually is visiting hell.

He gets into a lab and is a lab rat, the satan watches over him constantly. until he is reduced to being a shell - the soul goes missing. K becomes human, he will entrap another animal to gain back his fingers. he will not smoke.

Very very bibilical. Someone asked what was Kashyap smoking when he wrote this movie. I assume he was on grass. He would not have written this if he were normal.

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Now you sunil r nair have to promise not to do what you did in the last week. You will not cherish what is not yours and will not try to win battles you know you cannot. You will not act like a fool. There is enough of that in the past to prove that you are a fool, we can do without it again.

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Monday mornings are the same everywhere.

rejection notes

i wrote,
in the earlier years
an escape
from utter hopelessness.

now
there is hope,

i think
i will discard
the words.

any more rejection notes
would just hurt my ego.

8/12/04

nextgen and musings

my next generation is here.

Over the weekend have driven some 300 odd kilometers one way to reach a temple built by the family that runs the Venky's brand of Chicken products. You have to drive down on the Pune - Mumbai highway cross Pune and go beyond for another 20 odd kilometers to reach a serene Balaji Temple.

I am not religious, for a large part of my life I thought I was a Protestant Christian. My grandfather, a preacher who never did do anything spectacular in life used to pray in a sing song way in the evening, while my dad a hard core Nair waited patiently. It was only when my sister reached her teens that my religion became an issue. Particularly when a family friend came to dad with an alliance for her - the prospective, unsolicited groom was a guy working with a small hotel as a bell hop, and the reason given for the kindness was that since my sister was a half breed she would never get a good boy! that did it for my dad. He became an overnight Hindu and did everything to ensure that a couple of years later he spent a bomb on getting sister married Hindu style. He must have slept easy. And we became a non secular Hindu family.

I got married hindu style, daughter's birth and naming was the same. I guess I want her to have some sort of an identity that she can stand by. Guess she will choose what she wants when she wants.

What I wanted to say here is that my next gen is here and how.

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Dual life will mean something - one here and one someplace else. One life here and one there. Multiple personality disorder.

foolish me!

I do not desire suffering;
yet fool I am,
I desire the cause of suffering!

(Shantideva)

twisted

twisted
rubber bands
with no shame
snapping when alls well!

days down the drain

it begins well. the day i mean... at 6 am i wake up, alert to the sound of the car being washed in the parking bay on the ground floor. me being on the first floor does not help. my feet feel sore and the muscles ache from inactivity. i have withered away over the years. The muscles from the legs and arms have slowly turned into blubber and a stretch of it has been resident around the tummy for years. 6 abs are meant for actors who at 40 live life they want to. I have emis to pay instead.

by 7 30 i am out of the gates of the complex, i have not felt the breeze or realised the mumbai is getting pleasant. its a rush to get ahead of the rush.

it still feels good. the day is still promising. By 8 15 am in the pokey office of 'the startup' i am a part of. 8 30 is breakfast of the same thing that i have eaten for the last 4 months, one idli, one wada, one bowl of oily upma. i try to be innovative with it, eat half the upma first, the an idli with chutney and then a wada. maybe i will try the wada with the chutney tomorrow. Maybe the day after I will eat the upma last and soaked in sambar. with 5 items the combinations are many and it can keep me mused for somedays.

The the chai, chai is good. its sweetened with some sugar free - some have said that i will die of sugar free poisoning - my take is that in Mumbai the average life cycle is anyways depending on your surname. and if u ever happen to have a life threatening situation you will die for sure at the same spot stuck in traffic. it does not need to be sugar free.

after that is chaos!

Days go down the drain when one expects things to happen. For calls to come and smses to your frantic messages. It is wrong to hope for impossible things. Wrong to hope that today the day will be better than yesterday. That the universe will collaborate instead of the usual demolition job it does.

Days are human I suppose.